The "Offering" Journey

Well, yesterday morning we put on the church wide family Christmas production "Offering" at Vanguard church. It really went great and so many families were blessed by it. It definitely was a long journey with many bumps in the road but the rewards far outweighed the bumps when you put them on the scale and I feel so blessed to be standing here on the other side of it looking at what God has done.

It started back about 4 months ago when Laura and Ellen asked me to be the director of the Christmas production... or maybe I asked to be the director. All I know is that I became the director and I knew that it was what God was asking of me. I was given a script to look over and maybe find some music to go with it. I took it home and read it immediately. After reading it a couple times I started freaking out. I had no passion for this script and didnt know how I could direct something that I had no passion for.

I sat down at my computer immediately and started looking online at script after script after play after play after musical after musical. I dont think that I left my computer for like, 8 hours. I sank into a frustrated state of anxiety as I realized that every church musical out there available for purchase is extremely cheesy and seriously lacking in any deep message. What was I going to do?? I allready signed on to be the director and so far I had nothing. I didn't even have anything I could maybe work with. Nothing. If God wanted Vanguard to do a Christmas musical He must have one out there for us do.

"Lord, please lead me to the right musical." That was it. It was a simple prayer. There was no weaping or rending of my clothing. Dont get me wrong, it was definitely desperate but it was simple. Within a few minutes of that prayer I felt like the Lord had deposited an idea in my brain. It was idea of 3 skits that all end with a character saying one of 3 things: Where is the peace? Where is the joy? Where is the hope?

Was this it? Was I really going to try to write this thing? It seemed like an answer to prayer but I've never done anything like this before. I pitched my idea to Garrett to see what he thought. He loved it. I immediately went over to my sisters house with the rejected script in tow. I gave her the rejected script to see what she thought. She felt the same way as I did about it and told me that she had no passion for it. Then, I pitched her my idea for the program and she really liked it.

We immediately got to work putting legs on this thing. I knew I wanted a family feuding scene for sure but the rest was up for debate. It seemed that a financial crisis scene would be very relevant in our economy. We had one week to present something to Laura and Ellen. I didnt want them to know that I was writing one because I didnt want to hear, "Lets just go with what we have." Alicia and I worked very hard getting a script ready - writing dialogue, finding music, putting it in order. In my searching through music for the program, I came across a Christmas version of the song "Offering" by Paul Baloche. I loved it. I knew right away that this song would be the anchor for the production. After discussing with Alicia how we could tie in the 3 skits to the song "Offering" through a concept of offering your burdens, we both knew that the name for the production needed to be Offering. We threw around many ideas of how that song would go down. The first idea was to have all the kids in the choir come and lay a box down at the altar. that idea was thrwon out after being deemed to chaotic. We eventually landed on the members of vanguard bring a box forward that they had written their burdens down on.

One week later we had a script in hand to turn over to Laura called "Offering." They loved the idea and gave us the go-ahead and we started in on the production roller coaster. Im going to spare most of details of the different stages but I will talk about them vaguely.

I accountered many bumps along the journey to Dec 13th. Some of them had to do with lack of involvement from the members of vanguard. Some of them had to do with lack of cooperation from the staff. Some was with sound equipment that we didnt have. Another was having to give up the dream of doing a live band. Another was not being able to find accompaniment tracks for all of the songs that the kids had been practicing so 2 of the songs had soloist voices on the track. ( If you know me, you know what a big deal this was since I am a perfectionist). Some bumps came from personality conflicts. Some came from not managing my directors close enough. Some came from managing them too closely.

I dont know how many of these bumps came from the enemy but I do know that the enemy was constantly working over time to make me feel dicouraged. I cant tell you how many times I had wished that I had not taken this on. I felt the weight of putting on a great Christmas production for Vanguard on me all the time. Part of it I had connected to my identity. I didnt want my name to be on something that I didnt consider to be excellent. I started listening to the lies of the enemy including but not limited to, "You are not good enough to take this on." "This is going to suck and everyone will know that it was you." "Nobody will want to be involved in this."

During this time, Garretts sister moved in with us as she started in on the most difficult season of her life including custody battles, loss of job, loss of car. This was just another stress on our lives and even though we felt called to help her it has not come without stress and strain.

Also, my marriage came under some severe attack. We fought like cats and dogs (we normally do this but it got worse). All the extra stresses were some perfect breeding grounds for the enemy to get a foot in some cracks.

Then came the sickness. Colds, Flus, UTIs, kidney problems, endometriosis problems. I was being attacked from all angles. Even though I knew in my mind that Satan was attacking me, I couldnt pull out of it. I melted down multiple times under the stresses. It seemed like I could have easliy handled one thing but not all of it. I could handle the production but not while my marriage was falling apart and I was sick and we had to take care of Garretts sister.

"Do not become weary in well doing for you will reap a harvest if you press through." (Elaina's version). I heard this verse in my head multiple times over the past 2 months and it made me mad every time. I can't tell you why but it really pissed me off when I heard it even though I knew who was saying it. I didnt want to press through. I needed a rock. I needed something to hold on to.Psalm 18:2 " The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Saviour. My God is my rock. I can run to him for safety." About 3 or 4 weeks ago I felt that the Lord wanted me to continue to read this scripture until it sunk in to my heart. Day after Day. The combination of Psalm 18 and the prayers of my dear friends helped me pull through. ( I do want to especially mention Tosha Williams who never missed an opportunity to pull me aside and pray for me)

Dec 2nd: Night of the first full walk through. I had such peace going into this practice that I cant really explain it. I guess we could chalk it up to "the peace that passes all understanding." I felt a peace and joy that I had not felt during the weeks leading up to this point. It went great! Everything fell into place. The dress rehearsals were no exception. The first one was a tad rocky but the second went super smooth and I felt a peace about the whole thing. There were a few glitches but they were worked out quickly. I was so excited about Sunday morning. I went to bed excited Saturday night.

Sunday morning I woke up excited. I wasnt even a little bit stressed. It was amazing. I sat down and witnessed a beautiful thing: People were laughing, kids and adults were worshiping, the skits were powerful, the angels were inspirational and families were coming to lay their burdens down at the altar. I was so overwhelmed with emotion as I watched this production that started as a thought in my head ripple throughout the whole church and impact lives.

There were a few moments that blessed me more than any other:

1. The lady behind me was weeping during the reflection time and I had to get her kleenex

2. The kids in the choir worshiping God with their whole hearts

3. The families of Vanguard coming to the altar to lay down their "offering"

I know that was long. I could have made it longer... believe me. I feel so blessed and priveledged to have had the opportunity to be a part of what took place yesterday. To me "Offering" was my offering. It took a lot of time and sacrifice but as the scripture says, " you will reap a harvest if you dont give up."

But its Christmas!

Every year when the holliday season rolls around I start to get a little bit of a pit in my stomach that I cant really nail down to anything in particular. Is the decorating? No. I like having my house decorated for Christmas; The lights, the garland, the wooden nutcracker. I have always liked decorating the tree. In more recent years I find that I like going to my sister or brothers house for their tree decorating because it is more of family experience and I end up just doing it myself at my own house.

Is it the crazy shopping? Hell no. I love shopping. I love buying gifts for people and wrapping them and watching them open them.

It it the Christmas parties? No. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good party and I definitely don't like to pass up the opportunity to dress up.

Is it the music? Mostly no. I must say that some Christmas music can be rather annoying but overall I dont mind it. I enjoy the christmas music of Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. the most.

Spending time with family? No. I love spending time with family. I love playing games. I like sitting around and chatting

Is it the Food? Yeah Right.

Is it what we are celebrating? Not at all.

I believe that the reason why I get anxiety around the holidays has to do with expectations. Everything that is centered around the christmas season paints this perfect Norman Rockwell style picture of family around the holidays. Every commercial. Every movie. Its always so perfect and so peaceful. The snow is falling as Ma takes the pie out of the oven and there is a smile on every face. This is some families reality but it certainly is not most peoples reality. I feel like we all get caught up in that perfect picture and when it clearly doesn't turn out that way it leaves you kind of feeling blah when it is all over. This is probably why suicide rates are higher during the holidays and why anti-depressants sell better at this time of year. I have had many holidays turn out really crappy and far from ideal. People are fighting. People are crying while they're wrapping their presents on christmas eve. Husbands are storming out. Everyone is ignoring each other. These are all things that probably wouldn't happen to the degree that they do if everyone would stop setting there expectations so high and just go with the flow.

So the turkey is burnt. Oh well, we will have a pizza. Yeah but its Christmas and at Christmas everything should be perfect! (drama ensues)

There isn't enough room for everybody. Don't worry we'll just sleep on the floor. But its Christmas! (drama ensues)

Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Ted aren't coming over till the 26th! Thats ok they have other family that they need to visit with. But its Christmas! (drama ensues)

Its Christmas and I don't have any parents. (depression ensues)

Its Christmas and I just broke up with my boyfriend. (depression ensues)

Its Christmas and we don't have the money to buy everyone a present. (stress ensues)

Its Christmas and Im too sick to make my house look perfect. (more stress ensues)

We live in a fallen, broken, imperfect, crazy, depraved world. Why is it that during the holidays we expect a picture of perfection that doesn't exist any other time of the year... because it Christmas?

I have decided to be very aware of this and enjoy my holiday. Im going to do my shopping and not feel stressed about pleasing everybody just because its Christmas. Im going to decorate my house and put up a tree at my leisure and not stress about it. Im going to go to the holliday parties that I can fit in and not go to the ones that don't. Im going to hang with friends and family and if things get hairy and dramatic then I will go with the flow. I am not expecting "Its a wonderful life". I am however going to find peace and joy in the midst of a fallen world like I try to do all year.

Big City Lights

I like small town America. The quaint little family businesses. The hardworking salt-of-the-earth farmers and ranchers. The slower pace of life. I like small town America... to visit. I spend a couple days a week in these small little towns in Wyoming and each week when we are driving home I get the same wonderful feeling as I come over the hill and see the skyline of Denver. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and excited inside. There is just nothing like the big city. I will always be a city girl.

Of The World. Part II (kind of)

Why don't christians dance more? Do we feel stupid? Do we feel "of the world"?

As I am reading Psalms this morning I come across a scripture regarding dance. PSALM 30:11,"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Here is another one from Psalms - 149:3, "Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp." 

I grew up in slew of charismatic churches. There was usually a healthy dose of tongues, prophecies and words from the Lord which on any given day were completely misused and overdone. I can't tell you how many "words" and "prophecies" I've gotten over the years that have completely missed the mark. No matter how wild and charismatic the church, though, it was always a big "no no" to dance or do anything that resembled dance. One of the churches I went to didn't even allow roller skating because it was too much like dancing. I guess someone found the 11th commandment. THOU SHALT NOT DANCE (or any other merry making). Most christians that I know today would not hold such a stringent view but are there still residuals from a legalistic generation.  

  Let us assume that the verses I listed above are speaking about dancing as praise to the Lord and not just dancing for fun. Why do we not do this in present day? Now, I realize that there are many churches out there today that any "happy footed" person will feel perfectly content dancing around in but I have never been to one. It's usually some rogue lady at the front who sticks out like a sore thumb and everyone is looking at her like she has a few screws loose. Maybe she does have a few screws. Maybe you have a few screws loose. Why is this not the norm? God sent his son to earth to be mutilated and murdered so that we wouldn't have to suffer an eternal hell  and dancing isn't the norm?? I have seen more people dance at a coldplay concert than at all the churches I've been to combined. I've danced more at a coldplay concert than I ever would at church because it is much more socially acceptable and I don't like drawing too much attention to myself (well, sometimes I do). What's up with that? 
Now, lets take the scriptures that refer to dancing and don't mention only doing it unto the Lord. ECC 3:4  a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Why should a wedding be the only time that we rejoice and dance and have a good time? I always put on music and dance around my house and think to myself,"How fun would this be if all my friends joined me." Are we so insecure that we can't let our hair down? Lets live life. Let's dance and be silly. You only live once and the constant misinterpretation of being "not of the world" is stifling our inner child.

Of The World. Part 1

  What does "of the world" even mean? Is there a list of things that non-christians do that we should stay away from because it makes us look more like them even though this list is found nowhere in the Bible at all: No smoking, No drinking, No secular music, No wild parties, No fashionable clothing and No watching vampire movies. Who made this list? What about: No high-lights, no fast food, no plastic surgery, no rated R movies, no expensive houses, no high heels?  I guess those didn't make it on the first draft. It seems kind of silly to just pick random things that we shouldn't be doing. It makes us feel all fuzzy inside to have a list of things that we abstain from, huh? It makes us feel like we are a little more holy. 

  A while back I had someone post a comment on my facebook page about how Twilight is Ok for the world but we are called out of the world. I had a little facebook argument and they removed their post. (If you have a personal conviction against Twilight, I respect your sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Respect my sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and we will get along just fine).

  I know a few folks that don't drink and they don't just say, "no thanks" when they are offered one. They make it a point to explain how they've never had a drink in their life like this is supposed to make them more holy or something. I used to be that person. I felt like a better christian (whatever that is) than every one else because of my list of things that I abstained from. What saints we all are to abstain from stuff that nobody asked us to and continue to live in sin in our hearts. It is easier, isn't it? 

  Do not smoke is a lot easier than do not lust. Do not watch vampire movies is a lot easier than do not envy. Do not listen to secular music is a lot easier than do not have pride. Not only are they easier but the discipline and the victory is so much more public. "I have never had a drink in my entire life." Good for you. How is your pride doing?? So, what does it mean to be "not of the world?" What does it mean to be "salt and light?" We are to be "set apart" by not engaging in the sinful activities that the world promotes: Lust, Greed, Covetousness, Pride, Murder, Deceit, Theft, Sexual immorality, Throwing Wild Parties... wait! Ummmmmm, let me find it. Oh, I guess it's not in there. I wish it were because it sure would be a lot easier than abstaining from deceit. 

The Godly Christian Woman

Why do I feel like "christian women" are a cliche that I have a hard time fitting myself into? Why do I feel like the odd one out 80% of the time? I have a hard time relating on certain levels that it seems so easy for everyone else to relate on. I have come up with a few possible options to why I might feel like I have a hard time relating to the general population of the female christian culture. This is very honest.

OPTION 1. The general population of the female christian culture is much more Godly than I am. I find myself having every day struggles that I don't see everyone else having. I have times that I feel so close to God and there are times when I feel the weight of my depravity heavy on my back. I find myself having to take every thought captive and actually combat the enemies atack on me.I am tempted on a regular basis with things that I don't hear other women talking about. I have put feelers out from time to time and I rarely get the response that I am looking for. Usually I find sollace in the fact that I know that all of the men around me have sin struggles. Even my pastor alludes to the fact that he has daily sin struggles from the pulpit. When christian men get together for accountabilty they usually talk about their sin struggles...mainly lust. When christian women get together for accountability they talk about how to love their husbands more. I guess christian women don't sin like the men. Though I have to wonder sometimes if while at the pumpkin patch with the fam one of these good christian women is having to concentrate on not staring at the attractive young man over yonder. A twist on this option is that Satan must tempt me more than other women. Pride, Vanity, Lust, Deceit, Debauchery, Anger. (to name a few)

OPTION 2. Christian women are not completely honest with themselves and therefore not honest with those around them. (Im not saying that this is true. Im just stating it as an option). This option is in opposition to the option stated above. Is there some sort of front that everyone puts up? Are they aware of their struggles but don't want to talk about them? Are they not aware of them? Maybe christian women feel like they don't have an outlet to be honest with themselves and those around them. If this is true then it is a problem because I think that it is encouraging and empowering to hear other people struggles and what they are doing to overcome. Is there a facade that women feel like they need to maintain so that they will appear to be the perfect godly christian women. The worst version of themselves that they will ever let anyone else see is the exhausted version. They feel like they are being really vulnerable if they tell you how exhausted they are from being a wife and mother. Exhaustion is not the kind of struggle that I am talking about here.

FACTOR #1. I don't have children. This is not a possible option; it is just a factor that contributes to not relating on certain levels. It seems more so in the christian culture that women find a good amount of there identity wrapped up in being a wife and mother. I'm not speaking negatively about this. It just is this way. It also takes up a large majority of their time and emotional energy and it is where their heart is at. It is much more common in the non-Christian culture to not have children at 30 for many reasons that are irrelevant to this post. Im just noting that as a christian woman I feel like I stick out more as a 30 year old with no children. (If I were single it would also apply.) Beyond sticking out I feel as though I can't relate to so many multiple levels of their lives. I feel like there are expectations placed on how I should feel about this. To be honest, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I feel blessed to not have children just as much as I would probably feel blessed to have them. My pastor one time said that baring children is how a woman brings the most glory to God. Well, I certainly don't bring the most glory to God through child-baring but I know that I can bring Him just as much glory as the next woman

In saying all of that I will say that I do not feel like I am in a bad place. I do not wish my life were any different. I do not feel like any of my struggles are abnormal in any way and I do not feel any condemnation. I do not feel as though I am less Godly than any other women. I feel like a conquerer. I feel like a leader. I feel like I am a Godly Christian woman. I just have to wonder why I sometimes feel different. I will say that if option#2 is true then I will have to take fault for not being more vulnerable myself even when Im in a situation where the feeler didn't come back the way I had hoped.

Better Taste, Less Pressure

I have decided that having a blog that I told people about creates to much pressure to have to blog about something that I think that people would find interesting. I also found that people were saying things to me like, "You should blog about____" Fill in the blank. I found this rather irritating and no longer appealing. This is why I no longer blog in "bloggular thoughts." I have, however, discovered that it is rather difficult to shut down a blog so I will just leave it there till the world ends... or the internet... which ever comes first. I just want to blog about what I want to blog about and if anyone wants to read then great. If nobody wants to read it then fabulous. I just find that there are days when I need an outlet for my thoughts.